I shouldn’t be surprised.
I’ve been here before…everything in place, steps taken for forward movement and yet, no movement, no motivation, no fire, no fervor.
I painted the guest room. My husband gifted me with a new laptop.
“Writing”, I told him “feels like what God wants me to do”.
He listened. It was important to me. He understood, I believe.
He recognized the place of my soul, the yearning of my heart.
I made a Pinterest Board and named it…”Writing Room”.
I packed up toys, treasures, junk, memories, the contents of the “catch-all” room.
The guest room, a shrine to lost parents and childhoods…all clean now.
Sparse and pretty, calm and subdued.
Art, words, images of my heart, my love, my family…my story of the stories that made me. Just a room filled with stuff actually, it was.
So, here I sit, wrapped in mama’s quilt on the couch looking for words and for reasons to explain the stuck place I’m in.
Just, typing away on my tiny little Kindle.
As if I am unworthy of writing in a pretty room with appropriate technology. Because that would feel special and deserving…Two places that make me uneasy, pressured, tending to step back. Stay in the background…The place without fear. The place of no risk.
I’ve been here before….an Art scholarship and yet flunked sculpture.
A promotion yet hindered by the fear wearing wrong shoes
A chance to sell my art; but, refusing to take payment from friends
Two blog posts are waiting as drafts in my dashboard.
Good thoughts on resolution and lessons learned, yet, ramblings, phony words and disconnects that are “not me, not Quiet Confidence”.
What holds me back?
Tells me not to expect good?
Reminds of my disdain of attention, avoidance of being noticed?
It’s the voice of not good enough.
The perception of other’s looks when I struggle to confess my love of writing…The look that so loudly says…”oh, everybody wants to be a writer” that completely obscured the thoughts of “Why not me?”
Yet, there is always streaming love of words, of descriptors of the commonplace, of conveyance of struggle, of fear, of celebration of joyful beauty and important moments of God’s grace and mercy.
So, move forward tenderly, Lisa.
Move forward without pressured expectations, without perfection.
Stay quietly confident. This is your theme, your heart.
Stay true. Stay transparent. Touch lives.
Turn hearts towards Jesus.
Tonight, good and true words flow from a quilt wrapped sofa.
Maybe tomorrow a pretty writing room desk surrounded by a sparrow, my mama and daddy in picture frames and tiny little books…
Good doesn’t flow from pressure…Motivation doesn’t come from fear.
Just write, Lisa.
Just write, wherever, whenever.
Don’t expect failure nor be afraid of success.
Be you, quietly confident.
” I am able to do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13